When it ain't Dutch, it ain't much.

That's not my friend, that's just Beavis.


Memory is necessary for all the operations of reason.

Blaise Pascal

Hooters, hooters, yum yum yum.
Hooters, hooters, on a girl that's dumb.

Al Bundy

I'll be back!

Arnold Schwarzenegger

If God had meant for us to be in the army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.

"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today ?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War
2. Advising the president
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin."

David Letterman

Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Winston Churchill

Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder

Sigmund Freud

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Dean Martin

You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.

Steven Feiner

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats.

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.

Abraham Lincoln

Air is water with holes in it.

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."

Isaac Asimov

The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Finley Peter Dunne

Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1. If it should exist, it doesn't
2. If it does exist, it's out of date
3. Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

The optimum committee has no members.

Norman Augustine

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost.

Murphy's Law of Research:Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings --- including this one.

God is real, unless declared integer.

Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? One in a million, perhaps.

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.

God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.


Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Rule of Creative Research:
1. Never draw what you can copy.
2. Never copy what you can trace.
3. Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.

I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!

Paul McCracken

Life is too important to take seriously.

Corky Siegel

Wasting time is an important part of living.

Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possible get any worse, they will.

The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus has the pricks on the outside.

Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Mark Twain

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.

Wolfgang Pauli

What does 'it' mean in the sentence "What time is it?" ?

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

Dave Berry

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.


Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

Lazarus Long

The Heineken uncertainty principle:
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.

Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good hand no partner is needed.

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

I'm going to live forever, or die trying!

Spider Robinson

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Elvis Presley

We have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work.


That woman speaks eight languages and can't say 'no' in any of them.

Dorothy Parker

If God had intended man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

The idea is to die young as late as possible.

Ashley Montagu

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.

Mickey Mouse

I doubt, therefore I might be.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters.

Jean-Paul Kauffmann

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

The more you drink, the more wc (double-u-see)

A day without sunshine is like night.

I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.

The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.


The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.

Anything labeled 'new' and/or 'improved' isn't. The label means the price went up. The label 'all new', 'completely new', or 'great new' means the price went way up.

Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.

Henrik Tikkanen

If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.

The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and add ten percent.

God made the idiot for practice, and then he made the school board.

Mark Twain

Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances ?

Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.

Louise Beal

In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables.

Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.

X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Lilly Tomlin

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Do you have lysdexia?

The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.

Franco Spisani

Unnamed law: If it happens, it must be possible.

90-90 Rule of project schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all.

Marty Winch

Hanson's Treatment of time:
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.

I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it.

Queen Juliana (NL)

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.

Dick Brandon

If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.

Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

J. Paul Getty

Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

Hardware: the parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for I knew that Santa would never lie.

As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?

Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science.

Henri Poincaire

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Groucho Marx

Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.

The good die young; because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good.

Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word 'database' are typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is not only unnatural, but a lot harder that it appears.

If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics.


Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much better.

Laurie Anderson

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.

Donald Knuth

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

God gives us relatives, thank goodness we can choose our friends.

If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.

Steinbach's guideline for systems programming:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

Albert Einstein

"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peeop I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

Norm Schryer

It would be nice if the Food and Drug administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.

Robert Fuoss

You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.

Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.

Epperson's law:
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.

Ed Howe

I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.

Monty Python

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.

Croll's query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made off?

Whenever anyone says, 'theoretically', they really mean, 'not really'

Dave Parnas

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.

Albert Einstein

The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination - but the combination is locked up in the safe.

Peter DeVries

The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been putting his bird in the wrong bushes.

I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Fred Allen

Finagle's third law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all
need of checking, is the mistake
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to
hear, will see it immediately.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer.

Swami X

Weiler's law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Chism's law of completion:
The amount of time required to complete a government project is
precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.

Nothing is faster than the speed of light. To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.

I came; I saw; I fucked up.

There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.

Justice: A decision in your favor.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

Ashleigh Brilliant

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

Robin Hood

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?

Elliot, "E.T."

If A equals success, then the formula is A=X+Y+Z.
X is work.
Y is play.
Z is keep your mouth shut.

Albert Einstein

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.

RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory

RAM DISK is not an installation procedure.

If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

BASIC programmers never die, they GOSUB and don't RETURN.

Friends don't let friends use Windows.

If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.

If you want it done right, forget Microsoft.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

E. W. Dijkstra

If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.

Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.

I drink to make other people interesting.

George Jean Nathan

Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.

Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."

You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Blaise Pascal

If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager.

Pascal, n.:
A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
(1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
(2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
(3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
(4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
(5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.

Rich Kulawiec

Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.

Steve Rubenstein

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.

Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose.

I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.

Vidi, vici, veni. (I saw, I conquered, I came.)

Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.

You're never to blond to learn

Bud Bundy

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Make love, not war.I'm married, I do both.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extereme violence.

Vivian, The Young Ones

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.


355/113 - Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation.

Thoreau's Law:
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good,
you should run for your life.

We have them just where they want us.

J. T. Kirk

We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.

Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.

Gravity brings me down.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Next time, give 'the gift that keeps on giving': a female kitten.

Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;Open it and you remove all doubt.

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

Men have many faults,
Women only two:
Everything they say,
And everything they do!

Teamwork is vital ; It gives you someone to blame.

The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned to the project.

In case of fire, yell 'FIRE!'

Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.

If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

The best things in life are for a fee.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.

Nudists are people who wear one-button shirts.

Hire the handicapped. They're fun to watch.

SDRAWKCAB spelled backwards is backwards.

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

Support National Motherhood Week - Make one today!

Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.

Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket bibles which are on very very thin paper.

With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.

The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.

In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.

Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

How can I love you if you won't lie down?

I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.

You can find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

To err is human. To forgive is unusual.

Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.

I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.

I'm the person your mother warned you about.

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.

There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.

Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.

I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come?

If I follow you home will you keep me?

It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.

Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.

Arthur Bach: I'm so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.

From the movie Arthur

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween becauseOCT 31 == DEC 25 !

Andrew Rutherford

36 percent of the American Public believes that boiling radioactive milk makes it safe to drink.

results of a survey by Jon Miller at Northern Illinois University

Don't worry about things that you have no control over, because you have no control over them. Don't worry about things that you have control over, because you have control over them.

Mickey Rivers

Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it.

Mark Twain

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Albert Einstein

Giving money and power to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

P. J. O'Rourke

If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy.

Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not make the simple next step of supporting multitasking.

Calvin Keegan

Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 'user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover.

Bill Gates, Pres., Microsoft, Inc.

The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking operating system and get realtime performance, out of the box.

Peter da Silva

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Salvador Dali

Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few simple instructions such as 'go left', 'go right', and 'build car'.

John Sladek

You deliver a good argument, but speaking personally, I'd rather have an exhibitionist nymphomaniac, especially one who looked like Julie Newmar.

Jerry Boyajian

Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones in movies.

Bill Bulko

I think you should know I worry a lot. Like the Noble sperm bank. Something bothers me about the world's greatest geniuses sitting around reading pornography and jerking off.

Jane Wagner

MS-DOS isn't dead, it just smells that way.

Henry Spencer

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

Steve Martin

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Steve Martin

Doing what's right isn't the problem. It's knowing what's right.


I do not take drugs. I am drugs.

Salvador Dali

Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.


Whoever said talk is cheap never saw a bill for Phonesex.

Michael Corcoran

Be suspicious of anything that works perfectly -- it's probably because two errors are canceling each other out.

Dave Bartley

The ultimate metric that I would like to propose for user friendliness is quite simple: if this system was a person, how long would it take before you punched it in the nose?

Tom Carey

Success covers a multitude of blunders.

You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.

From a collection of University of Waterloo Computer/Math class quotes

Bud Bundy: "Kelly, tell dad Einstein's Theory of Relativity."
Kelly Bundy: "Mom and dad are my relatives, therefore I am."

For as we all know, God made man in his own image. It'd be a sad lookout for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.

Edmund Blackadder

Still, for me, socks are like sex. Tons of it about & I can't seem to get any.

From Blackadder

Can I ask you to leave a pause between the word 'Aim' and the word 'Fire'? Thirty or forty years, perhaps...

Edmund Blackadder

A 'program' is used to turn data into error messages.

A diploma proves only that you know how to find an answer.

A hole is nothing but you can still break your neck in it.

As I said last week, I'll be done tomorrow.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

We've got what it takes to take what you got.

Don't be a sexist. Chicks hate that.

Windows 3.0 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

Handwritten on a condom machine; "This gum tastes funny."

I can't find the "ANY" key.

How come they call 'em APARTments when they're attached?

I didn't get the documentation for the manuals.

I love standards, there are so many of them!

I think I think, therefore I think I am. I think.

I'm in the computer business, I make Out-Of-Order signs.

If it's not on fire, it's a software problem.

An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets.

Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring.

I am not an alcoholic, I simply enjoy living in a liquid medium.

Never let your studies interfere with your education.

Who is more foolish, the fool, or he who follows the fool?

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

What is wrong with a little incest? It is both handy and cheap.

Never do with your hands what you could do better with your mouth.

Why did Shakespeare use so many famous quotations in his work?

Dumb is forgetting who your friends are.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.

If masturbation makes you grow hair on your palms, why don't bald men just rub their dick on their head?

OK, guys, we're no longer horny. The Politically Correct term is "vaginally challenged".

God gave men a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to fill one at a time.

Robin Williams in the Jay Leno Show.

Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's even the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

Elaine, in "The Movie" (Seinfeld)

I always get the feeling that when lesbians look at me, they're thinking, "*That's* why I'm not a heterosexual."

George, in "The Subway" (Seinfeld)

It's like a sauna in here.

Kramer, sitting in a sauna, in "The Implant" (Seinfeld)

Blaffende Mega's, byten niet

Debiteuren, Crediteuren

Dat Windows is harstikke vaag, man.Daar moet een keer een glazenwasser bij komen.

Debiteuren, Crediteuren

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Disclaimer: All opinions are not really opinions.

Disclaimer: Written by a highly caffeinated mammal.

Discoveries are made by not following instructions.

I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up.

I may not always be perfect, but I'm always me.

I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.

It compiled, first screen came up?? Ship it!

Bill Gates

Life sucks, but Death swallows!

Multitasking = 3 PCs and a chair with wheels!

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Too much month at the end of the money.

Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?

Women do come with instructions; ask them.

That's AMAZING! I'm impressed, are YOU impressed? I'm impressed!

Mike Levy

Buildings burn, people die, but true love is forever.

The Crow

Hey Beavis, let's check out the men's room in this gas station. Sometimes they have pretty good advice on the wall.


The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

If you can't do your friends, who can you do?

My brain, my second best organ

Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are.

It's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done

SATAN Live! by Orbital

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep

Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!

To Love Is To Be Happy With

Barry Neil Kaufman

"The future sucks. Change it." "I'm way cool Beavis, but I cannot change the future."

Beavis & Butthead

If you play this stuff backwards, it says 'This sucks!'

Beavis & Butthead

It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that.

Alan Alda, actor, 1994

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

David Letterman

If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.

Janos Arany

Never explain. Your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.

Elbert Hubbard

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.

William M. Thackeray

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.

Benjamin Disraeli

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

Oscar Wilde

For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be ?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.

Lord Chesterfield

When a thing has been said and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it.

Anatole France

Never take the advice of someone who has not had your kind of trouble.

Sidney J. Harris

When a woman is talking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.

Victor Hugo

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Love is a special word, and I use it only when I mean it.

You say the word too much and it becomes cheap.

First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII -- and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure.

Douglas Adams

The longer the excuse, the less likely it's the truth.

Robert Half

Most women set out to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

Marlene Dietrich

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

George Sand

A friend is one who knows all about you and likes you anyway.

Christi Mary Warner

We have drugs to make women speak, but none to keep them silent.

Anatole France

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.

Abraham Lincoln

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.

Arthur C. Clarke

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.


You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans.

Ronald Reagan

It's better to have loved and lost, then paid for it and not liked it.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

Wendell Johnson

As soon as you can not keep anything from a woman, you love her.

Paul Geraldy

Never judge someone by who he's in love with; judge him by his friends. People fall in love with the most appalling people.

Cynthia Heimel

Real gentlemen are blond and prefer red.

Rico and Radavi

Size matters not.


I only grow hair on places men like

Lea Thompson on the Jay Leno show

Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Mark Twain

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Woody Allen

A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.

It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it.

La Rochefoucauld

After it's made, where does all that love go?

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love

Annie Hall

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Jeremy S. Anderson

Unix is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully.

Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one.

James G. Bennet

What men really want is not knowledge but certainty.

Bertrand Russell

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

Mark Twain

Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Jeff Valdez

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you;but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.

Alfred North Whitehead

Remember, if you smoke after sex your doing it too fast.

When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.

Samuel Johnson

It's not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game even starts.

Addison Walker

Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.

The game women play is men.

Adam Smith

Once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her.

John Vanbrugh

Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two major categories: (1) Not enough. (2) Too much.

Ann Landers

A woman tries to get all she can out of a man, and a man tries to get all he can into a woman.

Isaac Goldberg

Success always occurs in private and failure in full public view.

You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.


Nothing is more difficult, and therefore more precious, than to be able to decide.


No man can be happy without a friend, nor be sure of his friend until he is unhappy.

Thomas Fuller

Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.

Seymore Cray, on virtual memory

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

With all their amoxicillins, penicillins and tetanus shots, I think they forgot about finding a treatment for the most painful disease of them all, heartbreak.

Alex Sandell

Did you ever notice that "love" spelled backwards is "evil"? Well, not exactly, but it's still pretty scary.

Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find it out.

Frank A. Clark

Relationships always give us an opportunity to learn about ourselves.

The most effective answer to an insult is silence.

The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get the credit.

Dwight Morrow

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

Albert Einstein

If you can't forgive, don't ask to be forgiven.

It is much more secure to be feared than to be loved.

Niccolo Machiavelli

You can love someone and not like the way they act.

Don't waste your time on people who form opinions before examining the evidence.

Don't try to be different. Just be good. To be good is different enough.

Arthur Freed

To love is to admire with the heart; to admire is to love with the mind.

Theophile Gautier

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.

Hermann Hesse

Never argue with fools, they don't know when you win.

Don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am.

Try a thing you haven't done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time, to figure out whether you like it or not.

Virgil Thomson

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

Samuel Butler

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Aristotle Onassis

So long as we are loved by others I should say that we are almost indispensable; and no man is useless while he has a friend.

Robert Louis Stevenson

A heart is not measured by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.

The Wizard - "The Wizard of Oz"

If we lived here, we'd be home now.

No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.

Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after a while they know something.

I think the only person that got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.

Ernest Hemingway

I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again.

Bart Simpson

How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?

Albert Einstein

Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.

She was always pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go.

Any man who says he doesn't desire to have sex with a woman he thinks is attractive is lying.

Corbin Bernsen

Everybody lies about sex.

Robert Heinlein

It requires far more genius to make love than to command armies.

Ninon de Lenclos

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Michael Sinz

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.

Nora Ephron

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

Life is all about priorities

Time heals all wounds.....except deadly ones.


Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Guy Bellamy

Shopping is better than sex. If you're not satisfied after shopping you can make an exchange for something you really like.

Adrienne Gusoff

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

Monica Piper

You must live with a person to know a person. If you want to know me come and live with me.

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your successes.

Dough Larson

A woman either loves or hates; she knows no medium.


When we are in love we seem to ourselves quite different from what we were before.

Blaise Pascal

Sex is a momentary itch, love never lets you go.

Kingsley Amis

If I had a dick, it would be standing up right now

Jennifer Tilly as Tina in 'HEADS'

When the sentence is short, the listener is caught off guard. Like in: "I love you".

Tears are an expressive silence, tears are lack of words.

The most deadly sexually transmitted diseases are not physical, they are emotional.

Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to.

Arnold H. Glasgow

When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage

Bill Balance

If you can read this then you are not illiterate.

I've got enough guilt to start my own religion.

Tori Amos

Why is there a pair of panties, but only one bra?

The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to someone else, if she is plain.

Oscar Wilde

It's not how you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm.

Every day forces me to add to the list of names of people who can kiss my ass.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. What kills you doesn't make you stronger.

Becoming number 1 is easier than staying number 1.

DO IT. It's easier to get forgiveness than permission.

I can handle pain until it hurts.

I don't have an attitude problem; you have a problem with my attitude.

If life sucks so much, then why am I so unhappy?

If you learn from your mistakes, then why ain't I a genius?!

Lose three pounds; take all your clothes off.

Men - You can't live with 'em, and they only bleed when you whip 'em.

Opposite Weirdnesses Attract - all weirdness is opposite.

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.

To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.

True happiness will be found only in true love.

What is the difference between thinking you love someone and loving them?

Better than sex, mainly because I don't have a partner.

I finally had an orgasm... and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind.

Woody Allen

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.

Truman Capote

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

P. J. O'Rourke

Which came first -- the chicken or the various things that taste like chicken?

NO, You cannot dial 911, I'm downloading my mail !

Fixing Unix is easier than living with NT.

Jonathan Gilpin

'I love you' used to be the most well known words in the world, but they have, alas, now been replaced by 'waiting for reply'.

Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

Act your age, not your size

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Jack Handy

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock.

If we know what the future is, we aren't looking far enough ahead.

Tim Berner-Lee, Inventor of the World Wide Web, July 1997

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

That's thirty minutes away. I'll be there in ten.

The Wolf - Pulp Fiction

Just look inside yourself and you'll see me waving up at you, naked, wearing only a cock ring.

Mark Hunter - Pump Up The Volume

I have not slept with a man I did not marry. How many women can say the same?

Elizabeth Taylor

Of cause shall I marry someday. I will also divorce. Every woman should experience that atleast once in her live.

Jodie Foster

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming to high.

I suppose I'm a pretty good typist. I don't look at my keys. I cheat though. I look at the keys of the person sitting next to me.

If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long?

A friend is someone that won't begin to talk behind your back when you leave the room.

A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!

Big doesn't necessarily mean better..sunflowers aren't better than violets.

Erken je fouten voordat iemand anders ze overdrijft.

I've to say NO to the good so I can say YES to the best.

Reputation is made in a moment: character is built in a lifetime.

Share your smile with everyone, but save your kiss for only one.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

Love is not an emotion. it is a series of actions. Therefore, you tell me, do i love you?

Ellen Royals

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Robert Frost

Love is undefinable. One can only know what it is when they are feeling an emotion that they can't explain exactly how they feel inside.

Two things only a man cannot hide: that he is drunk and that he is in love.

Character is what you are.

Reputation is what people think you are.

It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

It's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

True friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

Ellen Perry Berkeley

It's only premarital sex if you're going to get married.

Slagen doe je door te mislukken

Harry Mullisch

People are what we remember about them

Joseph Brodsky

A very high phone bill indicates that your child is spending hours communicating with other computer users via modem - not necessarily an illegal activity. It's the very low phone bills that you should watch for.

You don't have conversations with microprocessors. You tell them what to do, then helplessly watch the disaster when they take you literally!

David Brin

Some years ago we had slow computers and time enough to drink a lot of coffee. Today we have the Internet and once more time enough for coffee. I think, Bill Gates should buy coffee plants.

You need the computing power of a P5, 16 MB RAM and 1 GB Harddisk to run Win95. It took the computing power of 3 Commodore 64s to fly to the Moon. Something is wrong here, and it wasn't the Apollo.

Headache: The most popular form of birth control.

Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

User: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot".

To a cat, "NO!" means "Not while I'm looking".

It's a dangerous thing to think we know everything

Jack Kueher

Wat je ook zoekt, tussen de resultaten van je zoekopdracht staat ten minste 1 pornosite


Het principe van Prince: Mensen die zittend werk doen krijgen meer betaald dan mensen die staand werk doen.

The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.

George W. Bush jr.

The future will be better tomorrow.

George W. Bush jr.

Never confuse your right to do something with the right thing to do. Never confuse your right to do something with the right thing to do. Never confuse your right to do something with the right thing to do.

I would weep, but my tears have been stolen; I would shout, but my voice has been taken. Thus, I write. From concept to paper to reality.

De liefde van de man, gaat door de maag van z'n vriendinů

You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity


With my luck, I'll end up with the worlds first diagnosed case of genital anthrax. And when they find out that I work at the post office, they are probably going to question my mail handling procedures


I just bet that if world peace breaks out someday, there'll be lots of parties around the world. Then someone will get drunk and start a fight.

Natalie Redmeier

I will tell you in another life when we both are cats

Peneloppe Cruz in Vanilla Sky

I tell people I'm single by choice. I don't bother to tell them that it's the choice of over 3 billion women.

Nabeel Ibrahim

Als ik zou willen dat je het begreep, legde ik het wel beter uit

When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he THINK he was doing?

The net is nothing more than several billion dollars of mental masturbation with all the usefulness of a used condom

it's hotter then the devil's dick in a pair of heated speedos here


I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

Fred Allen

Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out that I'm missing, 500 girls will kill themselves and I wouldn't like them on my conscience. Not when they ought to be on my face!

Flashheart / BlackAdder (Rik Mayall)

That's how I like my girls...straight and to my point.

Flashheart / BlackAdder (Rik Mayall)

So many candles, so little cake

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?

Satchel Paige

Lying about my age is easier now since I sometimes forget what it is.

About the time you learn to make the most of life, the most of it is gone!

To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.

Bernard M. Baruch

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Dave Barry

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

Mark Twain

Age is a matter of mind and if you don't mind, it don't matter.

At my age, I've seen it all, I've heard it all, I've done it all, I just can't remember it all.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

I am old enough to sleep by myself, and young enough not to want to have to.

The heart that gives love is always young.